Courtesy flush

You know what makes my day, 100 percent of the time? When my beautiful baby girl flutters her eyes up at me just as her little butt is releasing a dump that could choke a camel. You can always tell when she's got one in the chamber. She'll settle down, get very quiet, and start wringing her tiny hands together. After a few minutes, she'll start to twitch her legs, fumbling for something to brace against.

A really good Daddy like me knows just how to hold her so she can really fire one off. Please e-mail me if you need help in this area and I will be more than happy to walk you through it. Once Babe-O is in position for a bit, she'll bite down on her lip, kick one leg out, and let one go loud enough to make a trucker blush.

At this point her diaper poofs out like an air bag and, assuming she is diapered with great care, she does not blow poop all over herself and those around her.

From there, the trick is just to make sure she's done before you try to defuse the little package she's prepared. Because if you get ambitious and start unwrapping before she's done, Babe-O is guaranteed to strike again at the exact moment when the old diaper is off and the new diaper is not on.

Of course, if she carries on for too long, you start getting into full diaper territory, which means that you need to either make the quick switch or learn the hard way about the breaking point of disposable elastic. It's pretty much a courtesy flush for babies.